Living Up to My Potential-
As I was talking with a dear friend and mentor of mine, she very directly told me that “I could have been much more successful”. When she said this, I felt the ping of disapproval or disappointment. I also felt this prick of agreement, of understanding, of recognition. I remembered my own responsibility in creating the life I want for myself. In the last few days, I had been cooking and cleaning, hosting a family of 4 from Turkey, my daughter was in the midst of a transition (little ones are always in a transition!) .. she was crabby from teething, from being off our routine, from over stimulation, not enough mom time, not enough nursing time, and the general stress of having a stressed mama. My husband was starting to retreat in effort to feel normal and balanced, himself. It was a perfect moment of chaos. Amidst it all, I was so blessed to have someone I love, trust and respect tell me I could have been more successful.
I know this is true. I could have been a doctor, or a lawyer, or a journalist. I could STILL be in medical school. I could be travelling the world, making a million dollars, setting myself up for retirement, becoming a world renowned “something”... Instead, I have just bought my first home (a real fixer-upper), I don’t brush my hair until after noon, and I’m always in yoga pants. I start a project and then I am juggling my daughter’s needs, my home’s needs and my needs all at once! I’ve put no energy into my business, and I’ve received a measly 2 orders for my other business in the past 2 weeks. This is my life right now.
As I spoke with my mom later in the day, someone who really embodies the wise mother archetype often, she told me she didn’t think I should have any more children. She had been wanting to share this with me at some point, and today became the day. She said, “Be a little more selfish. Live the life you want. You don’t have to follow the path of being fragmented, taking care of more children. Because ultimately, they are your responsibility (sorry dads, it’s true).” As she said this, very bluntly, I had no shred of resistance. I know and have known since the birth of my daughter that I do not need any more children.
On a conceptual level, I love the idea of having one child. Our world is so crowded. Why do I need to bring anyone else into the world? Magnolia was a gift from the Universe. She was literally given to me. I did not plan her, I was not ready for her. But she came and she is and will always be my best friend and ally. For today, I do not have the desire to mother another. I am satisfied. My family is satisfied. We are healthy and happy, and we have so much potential before us.
It takes so much courage to listen to our guides, and to listen to our mentors when it comes to following our path and living our life authentically. It feels so hard, all I want to do is go inside and hibernate and not even try to step one foot on that path. Maybe I’ll just admire it from a distance, appreciate it and move on towards my comfort and resting place, a voice inside me says. “Yes”, fear says. “Stay with me”, fear says.
Success looks different to each one of us, but I think we can all agree that to live our Truth is real success in this world. Are you living yours?
If I am being honest with myself, I would acknowledge that I am NOT living the life of my authentic self. I am NOT living my potential… So, no. I am not successful, yet. But I have made movements. I have started my business. I have created a beautiful child. I have become a beautiful mother. I am fostering a happy family, when I have generations before me showing me how to live unhappily. I am healthy, I am learning, I am growing. I have taken the first steps. It’s up to me to allow the universe to guide me. It’s up to me to make choices that are aligned with who I am and how I want to show up in this world. It is up to me to bring my life to a place of abundance, joy and success. It’s up to me to get my ass off the couch, out of the house, out of my comfort zone, and to build the life that is waiting for me.
Cheers to 2023. We’re going to kick ass!